I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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