Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
