If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she smelled like a LAN party
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
