i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
