woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
