not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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