i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
