We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
