Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
