I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
