you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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