it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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