happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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