Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
