The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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