Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
