I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
