My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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