A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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