Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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