You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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