idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I could make wine with my vomit
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
