The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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