im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
