I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
