Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
