I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
