I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
