He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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