Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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