At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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