watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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