do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he puts the penis in happiness.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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