Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
