the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
high people should be assigned attendants
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
birth control should be required to get into college
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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