So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
