i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
