She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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