I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We're too hungover to prance.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
