My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
