Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
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At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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