I just pynch a tree in the face
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
