I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So much rum. So many feels.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize