My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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