DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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