my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
