One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
