so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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