this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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