i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
