apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
