can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
