running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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