I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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