the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
