cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
