the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
