life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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